Two weeks HOME!
Today marks two weeks since we've been home with Toby in our cozy new Utah house! A lot of adjusting has been happening in those two weeks, as I'm sure you all can imagine. Even aside from Toby, we've all had to learn to adjust to our new house and town and are just now beginning to meet neighbors and get used to living in a small town. (WE LOVE IT!!!) But the biggest changes have been getting used to life with Toby.
Toby is a special kid - this we've known from the start! We are glad we heard a lot about him before we even met him, and most of those things are true. Of course you can only really get to know someone after spending countless hours with them. Each day, we learn more and more about who our boy is, what makes him tick, what ticks him off, and what post orphanage behaviors we need to address head on. Truthfully, although we have some hard days, things are running fairly smoothly, by God's grace!
Josh and I have to pray each morning for grace and patience and strength to handle the day ahead. Because the truth is, it is a lot of work to CHOOSE to love someone who was just recently a stranger - to CHOOSE to love even when the emotions aren't there. This is something we are having to teach our boys, too. Jack (our 7-year old) has had the toughest time adjusting. I know this is because of a combination of factors: Jack was used to being the oldest of the three boys, Jack's own expectations of what he thought he was getting in an older brother are much different from reality, he is just tired of how Toby dominates so much of each day and so much of our attention, he is tired of sharing his toys and things and family....it is all understandable, of course. This week, he packed up a back pack with clothes, his "Special Forces" book, a pack of gum and two yogurts and told me he was going to run away. When Josh asked him why he wanted to run away, he said, "I'm tired of Toby."
But this is only a small part of what is happening. For the BIGGER part of each day, I watch as all four boys play and laugh and pretend to be super heroes. Jack and Toby are my two outside-in-all-kinds-of-weather boys, so the two of them go tromping around the house in their snow gear, collecting sticks, making snowballs, laughing when they fall in the snow. There are hard, hard moments - but the good ones are beginning to shine forth even brighter!
We've learned that Toby needs very specific rules to follow. He is 10 years old, so Josh and I came up with 10 rules/expectations we have for him. I wrote them down in Russian and in English so that we can refer to them. It has helped things so, so much. For instance, the first rule is: "When Mama and Papa give you an instruction, you look at them, say okay and do the task." Each step of that is important - he refuses to give us eye contact sometimes when he is upset...so looking at us is vital. He has been doing SO MUCH BETTER since we put it in writing! He says okay, looks at us and does what we ask almost every time without arguing! Yay for Toby!!!!
Of course, life can't be all about rules. It is also about grace. Toby has no concept of grace. He comes from a world where affection was handed out indiscriminately and often based on performance. He was never a favorite kid or one with the most pitiful disabilities, so he learned to not expect much affection from anyone. Josh and I are relying on wisdom from God each day in how best to show Toby grace. For now, that mostly means even when he is angry and seething and the most unlovable, we shower him with love. I let him know with words that I still love him. At the end of a rough day, we tell him we love him and that God loves him and that tomorrow is a new day.
The best moments are when we see something happening among our four boys and we think, "Ah, yes! This is what I was imagining all those months leading up to bringing Toby home!" Moments like today. A great Saturday. The snow has melted enough that our driveway was clear and the sun was out and it was time to bring out the bikes! Toby does not know how to ride a bike yet, but he is trying hard and is probably only a few days away from being able to ride one on his own. But Jack graciously allowed Toby to use his Huffy Green Machine (his prized birthday gift) so that Toby could join in on the bike-riding fun! It has been a good day!
Watch out, Utah! The Meyer boys are coming!!!
Another fun thing this week was taking Toby to Costco for the first time. He loves to go grocery shopping. (He loves food, he loves thinking about food, he loves telling me what he'd like to eat, he loves planning for dessert - food is a very important thing to him!) So Costco was a wonder to him! All those free test-tastings! He was in heaven. And lunch afterward with a Turkey Provolone Club sandwich and a churro???!! He was one happy boy!
Toby is a special kid - this we've known from the start! We are glad we heard a lot about him before we even met him, and most of those things are true. Of course you can only really get to know someone after spending countless hours with them. Each day, we learn more and more about who our boy is, what makes him tick, what ticks him off, and what post orphanage behaviors we need to address head on. Truthfully, although we have some hard days, things are running fairly smoothly, by God's grace!
Josh and I have to pray each morning for grace and patience and strength to handle the day ahead. Because the truth is, it is a lot of work to CHOOSE to love someone who was just recently a stranger - to CHOOSE to love even when the emotions aren't there. This is something we are having to teach our boys, too. Jack (our 7-year old) has had the toughest time adjusting. I know this is because of a combination of factors: Jack was used to being the oldest of the three boys, Jack's own expectations of what he thought he was getting in an older brother are much different from reality, he is just tired of how Toby dominates so much of each day and so much of our attention, he is tired of sharing his toys and things and family....it is all understandable, of course. This week, he packed up a back pack with clothes, his "Special Forces" book, a pack of gum and two yogurts and told me he was going to run away. When Josh asked him why he wanted to run away, he said, "I'm tired of Toby."
But this is only a small part of what is happening. For the BIGGER part of each day, I watch as all four boys play and laugh and pretend to be super heroes. Jack and Toby are my two outside-in-all-kinds-of-weather boys, so the two of them go tromping around the house in their snow gear, collecting sticks, making snowballs, laughing when they fall in the snow. There are hard, hard moments - but the good ones are beginning to shine forth even brighter!
We've learned that Toby needs very specific rules to follow. He is 10 years old, so Josh and I came up with 10 rules/expectations we have for him. I wrote them down in Russian and in English so that we can refer to them. It has helped things so, so much. For instance, the first rule is: "When Mama and Papa give you an instruction, you look at them, say okay and do the task." Each step of that is important - he refuses to give us eye contact sometimes when he is upset...so looking at us is vital. He has been doing SO MUCH BETTER since we put it in writing! He says okay, looks at us and does what we ask almost every time without arguing! Yay for Toby!!!!
Of course, life can't be all about rules. It is also about grace. Toby has no concept of grace. He comes from a world where affection was handed out indiscriminately and often based on performance. He was never a favorite kid or one with the most pitiful disabilities, so he learned to not expect much affection from anyone. Josh and I are relying on wisdom from God each day in how best to show Toby grace. For now, that mostly means even when he is angry and seething and the most unlovable, we shower him with love. I let him know with words that I still love him. At the end of a rough day, we tell him we love him and that God loves him and that tomorrow is a new day.
The best moments are when we see something happening among our four boys and we think, "Ah, yes! This is what I was imagining all those months leading up to bringing Toby home!" Moments like today. A great Saturday. The snow has melted enough that our driveway was clear and the sun was out and it was time to bring out the bikes! Toby does not know how to ride a bike yet, but he is trying hard and is probably only a few days away from being able to ride one on his own. But Jack graciously allowed Toby to use his Huffy Green Machine (his prized birthday gift) so that Toby could join in on the bike-riding fun! It has been a good day!
Watch out, Utah! The Meyer boys are coming!!!
We thank the Lord for our newest son and for all the lessons He is using Toby to teach us each day. It is truly a refining process for our own hearts and faith. Toby is still our treasure and we tell him what a gift he is to us. He has a long, long way to go until he can fully trust us or be truly content. He has almost 11 years of negative influences to try to dissipate before the positive, loving ones can truly make a difference. But we are taking it one day at a time and we are committed to keep fighting for our boy even on the hardest of days.
Thank you for those of you who have prayed for us from the beginning - for those of you who supported us financially or encouraged us throughout this process! Please keep praying. God is still doing something miraculous here!
We are ALL in process, not just Toby. God has refining to do in all of us as well. Praying for each new day and each new victory! Love you all!!
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