On the eve of my son's birthday
Dear I. V. S. -
I do not know much about you and you know nothing about me. I know your name. I know that we share the same birth year. And I know that eleven years ago tonight, your body began to go into labor. Your baby came four weeks early and you delivered him at home. Maybe he took you by surprise, eagerly wanting to come into this world, not knowing how hard life would be for him for the next decade.
I don't know what you thought when you saw that tiny, five pound baby boy. I often think about it all. Did you hold him? Did you whisper to him that even though you couldn't take care of him, you would always love him? Did you even feel love for him?
I don't know. We will never know. You chose to give him up and turn him over to the hospital, where he was in the NICU for several weeks before being taken to the orphanage. A premature baby with no mother to hold his hand or nurse him or give him her body' warmth. Our boy had a rough start, indeed.
I don't know you. I am often angry with you. When I see our boy rock himself to sleep vigorously, I am angry at the mother who wasn't there to rock him. I am angry to know that he is suffering from the choice you made to consume alcohol while you carried him in your womb. I am angry that you gave up your responsibility and left many others to pick up the broken pieces of a child's life.
But I love you, too. I love you for giving birth to our son. I love you for choosing life, when it may have been so much easier to choose a more convenient route. Your culture and country certainly would have allowed it without blinking an eye. But instead, you chose to carry that life inside you and deliver him into the world so that one day he could become someone else's son. Thank you. Thank you for choosing life.
My son has never spoken about his mother. He has plenty to say about the orphanage and his life there, but he has never once mentioned why he was there. I know that day will come. He is a boy who feels things deeply and needs to verbalize his emotions. One day the floodgates will open and he will grieve hard over the loss of his birth mother - the most traumatic loss a person can endure. He will be angry. He may even take that anger out on me, his mother. But that is okay. I will be ready. I will be ready, because I am equipped with the love and grace that comes from my Heavenly Father. I will teach my son to choose love. To choose forgiveness. I will teach him to pray for his birth mother. I will teach him to let go and entrust his broken heart to the ONE who will never fail him.
Tomorrow we celebrate the 11th birthday of our son, Tobias Sergei Meyer. He has never had anyone celebrate his life. He has never had anyone make him a birthday cake or give him a present. We are going to have one heck of a party and we are going to make sure he knows that HE IS A TREASURE! He was made in God's image. He is precious and has a purpose. He was meant to be loved - by us.
Maybe you'll think of him. Maybe you'll remember that a son was born to you eleven years ago. I will be thinking of you and praying for you, wherever you are. And I'll be thanking you for giving us the gift of our son.
With a heart full of mother love,
Kameron - Toby's mama
I do not know much about you and you know nothing about me. I know your name. I know that we share the same birth year. And I know that eleven years ago tonight, your body began to go into labor. Your baby came four weeks early and you delivered him at home. Maybe he took you by surprise, eagerly wanting to come into this world, not knowing how hard life would be for him for the next decade.
I don't know what you thought when you saw that tiny, five pound baby boy. I often think about it all. Did you hold him? Did you whisper to him that even though you couldn't take care of him, you would always love him? Did you even feel love for him?
I don't know. We will never know. You chose to give him up and turn him over to the hospital, where he was in the NICU for several weeks before being taken to the orphanage. A premature baby with no mother to hold his hand or nurse him or give him her body' warmth. Our boy had a rough start, indeed.
I don't know you. I am often angry with you. When I see our boy rock himself to sleep vigorously, I am angry at the mother who wasn't there to rock him. I am angry to know that he is suffering from the choice you made to consume alcohol while you carried him in your womb. I am angry that you gave up your responsibility and left many others to pick up the broken pieces of a child's life.
But I love you, too. I love you for giving birth to our son. I love you for choosing life, when it may have been so much easier to choose a more convenient route. Your culture and country certainly would have allowed it without blinking an eye. But instead, you chose to carry that life inside you and deliver him into the world so that one day he could become someone else's son. Thank you. Thank you for choosing life.
My son has never spoken about his mother. He has plenty to say about the orphanage and his life there, but he has never once mentioned why he was there. I know that day will come. He is a boy who feels things deeply and needs to verbalize his emotions. One day the floodgates will open and he will grieve hard over the loss of his birth mother - the most traumatic loss a person can endure. He will be angry. He may even take that anger out on me, his mother. But that is okay. I will be ready. I will be ready, because I am equipped with the love and grace that comes from my Heavenly Father. I will teach my son to choose love. To choose forgiveness. I will teach him to pray for his birth mother. I will teach him to let go and entrust his broken heart to the ONE who will never fail him.
Tomorrow we celebrate the 11th birthday of our son, Tobias Sergei Meyer. He has never had anyone celebrate his life. He has never had anyone make him a birthday cake or give him a present. We are going to have one heck of a party and we are going to make sure he knows that HE IS A TREASURE! He was made in God's image. He is precious and has a purpose. He was meant to be loved - by us.
Maybe you'll think of him. Maybe you'll remember that a son was born to you eleven years ago. I will be thinking of you and praying for you, wherever you are. And I'll be thanking you for giving us the gift of our son.
With a heart full of mother love,
Kameron - Toby's mama
Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteGod bless
When I first saw Toby on Julia's blog I was touched by his story and prayed so hard for a family for him. And I cried over the despair he must have felt watching others around him be adopted. And my heart stirred to think that maybe I was meant to do more than pray for him. I know he is right where he belongs, but I will always be thankful to him, and Julia, for opening my heart to the needs of orphans. And today, I realize that he has the same birthday as my first born. Four years ago today I understood what it was to be a mother. And knowing Toby shares a birthday with my son makes me realize that God certainly makes no mistakes. I hope he has such a wonderful birthday surrounded by love, excitement, and cake!
ReplyDeleteGod is so, so good! Thank you for praying for Toby and for opening your heart to God's call to care for orphans! We are honored to have you along for our journey as we watch Toby grow into the young man God wants him to be! God bless you!
DeleteI too first saw Toby on Julia's blog. What a beautiful post for a beautiful boy. That last picture just melts me! God bless!
ReplyDeleteSo happy that the love God has shown your family, you are able and willing to show Toby! Such a great testimony
ReplyDelete